Wandering?

It's been a while. But there it is, nagging at me. That urge to type. To get something out on paper, or pixels... whatever.

Problem is I never really have any idea where to start, or where to go in the middle, or even the end for that matter. But it works all the same, the therapy of spilling something out. The ease of fingers flying over the keyboard. Just as the journey is more important than the destination maybe the typing is more important than the content. For me atleast. There's something special about being able to just sit and type, as if all emotions can be lost and somehow controlled through the fingertips.

Urgh, I should be working. I have so much to do, and no idea what I should do. Why is life so damn complicated. I know where I want to be, I just don't know which path to take to get there, infact I think the path I want is a bushbash between the few.

Where the two roads diverge in the yellow woods, and sorry I couldn't be one traveller and travel both and long I stood and stood I long for longer still, still standing still. Looking down one as far as I could but then the other just as fair, and back the way I came over. I could have all 3 if I stay right here I could have all 3 potentially. But then I see the roads are getting shorter at the far end, we only have so much time. So I have to choose, I have to trust.

I think my life is a foggy day, and the paths cannot be seen from where I stand, so I stumble on, never sure if I'm making progress or going backwards, spinning in circles, round and round.
Bleh, life.

11 days now, 11 days 'till clarity. Till I get my head back. It's great having someone who helps you clear your mind just by being there =D

I need better ideas for titles

Well it’s been far, far too long since I’ve made a post here (even longer since I've made a decent one) and I was feeling like I needed to write something (after all venting is far better than bottling up, even if I don’t quite know what I am venting…) so here it is “a letter to someone, about something”:

"You got drunk. That’s to be expected, you are after all, a uni student. You threw up, that kinda comes with the territory of the drunkness, in theory it means less of a hangover, and that’s good, right. But in all your (assumed) misery of puking then having to be put to bed by your mates, the fact you thought of me, that just makes me love you that bit more =).
I miss you so much right now. It’s getting chronic (and it’s not even been 2 weeks =S). I would have loved to be there, just so I could take care of you when you were feeling crap. Even now I don’t really know how to express it. I never was that good at putting my feelings into words. Actions tend to be my strong point, albeit, awkward clumsy actions most the time =S. Actions don’t tend to work so well through the net. Which is why I’m writing this blog post about, for, to you (damn lack of strikethrough). That counts as an action right?"

Apparantley my brain can't take a long post at the moment, yet my fingers still itch to do some typing =S. Bleh, to sleep to sleep, perchance to dream.
Spread the love not the legs
ACT
(I promise I'll try to post more)

Mirrors

I hate it, I hate it un other people, but even more I hate it when I catch it in myself, which seems to be all too often. It sneaks out of me, in that small moment when answering a question a bit too quickly, something that just isn't me. I don't know what me is most the time, but I know what I am not, and unfortunately I know that I sometimes am what I am not. I act in a way not in my nature, but why. To appear different? I have always tried to be myself, not matter the circumstances. So because it is my automatic reaction? Because it is societies (or my view of it) automatic reaction (and yes, I can blame almost anything on society), have I become just another mouth for an endless line of conformist sheeple (gosh I'm cynical). I seem to be far too impressionable of untrue, small-talk-esque responses, it seems to be a thin line, for me, between overthinking and underthinking. A thin line that is far to hard to walk. But walk it I shall try to do, after all, my ignorance of my hypocrisy can only stretch so far.

Jumping back a second, maybe this mirroring of my actions is just another wall to hide behind. Allthough I always try to show my true self, I have never strived to show my whole self, not even to my self. Maybe conformity is my way of saying, "you've seen me, but that's all you can of see."

Music to my ears

It's kinda been a while since my last post =S, life has been somewhat hectic what with school and other far more important things. Anyway, I was sitting in the spa a few days back and I sorta came up with these lyrics. They had a bit of a tune to them but I can't figure out what it is. The closest thing to it is the chorus of "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers with a few sylable changes and a wee bit slower.
I got time left on this earth
I got roads left to walk
I got people to meet, and
People to talk ta
I got many years ahead
But I know one thing is true
That those years aren't worth living girl, if
I am without you

And while I'm posting lyrics maybe some slightly less original ones that seem to ring true at the moment.

She's got a smile that would make the most senile
Annoying old man bite his tongue
I'm not done
She's got eyes comparable to sunrise
And it doesn't stop there
Man I swear
She's got porcelain skin of course she's a ten
And now she's even got her own song
But movin' on
She's got the cutest laugh I ever heard
And we can be on the phone for three hours
Not sayin' one word
And I would still cherish every moment
And when I start to build my future she's the main component
Call it dumb, call it luck, call it love or whatever you call it but
Everywhere I go I keep her picture in my wallet

Peace out
Spread the love not the legs
ACT

A new year

It's just another day really isn't it? New Years day that is. Still I suppose it is a good time to make some changes in my life, so I've made myself some New Years resolutions, that I currently intend to keep.
1. I will learn to play piano, dedicating atleast 3 hours a week to this. I've been really inspired by a whole bunch of pianists lately, and pianos are such incredible instruments
2. I will clean up my life. Basically I will stop fucking around and start to achieve something in life, I want to find some steady income and have atleat $5000 by the start of next year, preferably closer to $10,000
3. I will update this blog more often. It's a great way of venting and a good record of my angsty late teen years, if you can't be honest online where can you be honest.
4. I will keep ontop of schoolwork this year, I've told myself I will do this for the last few years, hopefully this year my shitty NCEA results will shock me into action.

Happy (who am I to say this year will be better than any other? why should this year be any happier than last year?) New year, may 2010 be an interesting and productive year for you all.
Peace Out
Spread the love not the legs
ACT

The Sleeping Father

I think the reason it’s so good is that it’s human. It isn’t a fantasy world; it’s the real world with real characters. It’s life, plain but not so simple. It’s an exaggeration, sure, but a minor one, a legitimate ‘what-if’ it could happen, and if it did, you would go to shit. It’s intense and heartbreaking to see life so cynically reflected in literature. The irony is reflected in the ‘mark I use for it “I am reading this book because I don’t want to think about my life” because that is just what it does, make you think about life. Make you question the reasons for your very existence make you wonder how you would cope, how you would handle it. The inner wit is encapsulated in the cover; a front page of simple font, a slight emphasis on the title, standing out from the rest, the core of the story on the back “Chris Shwartz’s father is in a coma, It’s serious, In a funny kind of way” simultaneously telling you all and nothing about the beauty of the text within. I’ve never before been this encapsulated by this simple yet moving story. Which is why you should read, The Sleeping Father by Matthew Sharpe.
Peace out
Spread the love not the legs
ACT

Night time blues

It was a dark and stormy night, the darkness and the night thing kinda go together a lot I suppose. We were playing hide and seek (hey we all have to be young sometimes) and I found a nice little hiding spot, problem is of course that while I can sit still my mind can't.
"Found myself just the other day
In the backyard of a friends place,
Thinkin' about you"
I seem to have so much to do lately, I've been rearanging my furniture, rearanging my bank balance, and trying to rearange my life. I feel as if I've been stuck in a hole lately, clawing at the sides trying to get out, begging deaf ears to throw me a rope.
"You've got to get yourself together you've got stuck in a moment, and now you can't get out of it"
I suppose it is that time of year... Christmas, a time to look at all you have in your life, realise all you want in your life, and realise you will never get it (and that you will never give up trying, just keep bashing your head against that brick wall until the wall falls over).
"All I want for Christmas is you"
But summer is here, walsh is coming (fuck I'm broke) I'm sure it won't be this bad on a nice sunny day. Night has a way of getting into my head. Making me different. Bah, what am I but a fool with a keyboard.
Peace out
Spread the love not the legs
ACT