Choices

It’s funny what ends up making a big difference. In my town there are 2 colleges I could’ve chosen to go to. A big one with a uniform, that all of my friends and almost everyone from my primary school was going to, and a smaller one (student population wise) with mufty, that my best friend was going to. I chose the smaller. I don’t know why but I never even considered the big one. I guess even at this stage I wanted to be different I didn’t want to be another of the uniformed crowd. And of course my ‘best friend’ was going to the smaller one. I still don’t know if this was the right decision, but it made a big difference, the people, the places, the experience, all could have been different. My ‘best friend’ and me had a wee bit of a fallout and he managed to alienate me completely from almost everyone in year nine, my awkward personality and misunderstanding of basic social concepts managed to do the rest. He then went and stole my girlfriend before (not a moment too soon but several years too late) getting himself expelled. It was sometime around this point that I lost the majority of my naive belief in human nature.
I was that kid, the awkward one at the back of the class. The one that managed to alienate himself even further from his peers by being a complete know it all. I’d like to think that I’ve stopped that now. Well maybe not like. I’ve been moulded through bullying till I am just another clone, worse a defect, conforming partially while still holding a semblance of rebellion. Maybe I’ve learnt to be more ‘human’ but if what I’ve learnt is ‘human’ it’s a category I’d rather be excluded from.
Over the following years I managed to build up a sort of resilience. Ignore the bullying and keep to myself, never letting anyone in for fear of rejection (it only worked for a while but that’s another bitter story). I feel pathetic writing this. I don’t know why I do it. That crazy part of my brain just takes over some times. Forcing words on paper (or pixels) with deep meaning that I’m not permitted to see. Sometimes I wish that I could just understand myself. Though maybe that would take some of the fun and adventure (spot the euphemism) out of life.