One reason I ask you for. One fucking reason! And what do you give me? “It’s always been that way”? FUCK THAT! Had it always been that way when the slaves were freed? Did they stop equal rights movements because it would be unfair on those who had already lived in oppression? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? “It’s always been that way”? What the hell kind of reason is that?
9:30, I mean come on. Tim, you know, the 9 year old has an 8:30 bedtime. Most my friends parents are happy if they are HOME and not too drunk at midnight. You’re worried about how much sleep I get? BULLSHIT! I get up 50 minutes earlier than I have to every morning and you are worried about my sleep?
I spend too much time on my computer do I? I’M SORRY I’M NOT OUT GETTING STONED LIKE ALL THE OTHER RETARDS I KNOW. I’M SORRY I VALUE MY BRAIN AND LUNGS TO MUCH TO HAVE A ‘NORMAL’ SOCIAL LIFE! What the hell do you want from me ‘don’t drink, don’t do drugs, oh but you have to be one of the cool kids and hang out with the drunks and stoners’? You bring me up to question authority then say “It’s always been that way”, “Because I said so”. And you have the gall to look surprised when I say ‘why’? Oh but what am I saying you’re my mother, you know what’s best for me, you understand perfectly what it’s like to be growing up in a society full of idiots who are too stoned half the time to know left from right, I’m going to go ahead and assume you think I’m exaggerating I can name you 30 stoners and a drug dealer, all my age. Would you rather I was one of them. At least then I’d have your precious social life.
Funny really isn’t it, how you tell me to go get a life, without telling me you tried to tear down the little social life I did have? A little birdie tells me you called Her parents, the little birdie told me you said she could never come to your house again. For that, if nothing else, you truly earn my despise. What were you worried about? That I wasn’t a little kid anymore? Is that what you are trying to cling on to with your stupid rules? THE PAST IS GONE. GET OVER IT. You and your fucking traditions, You and your bullshit. You and your hypocrisy. YOU AND YOUR IMAGE. That’s what it was wasn’t it. Your god dam image, ‘get a life’ you tell me ‘but make it the right one’
Oh I was rude was I? I’m sorry, next time I’ll try to disguise what I’m saying in layers of bullshit, will that be better? Because it’s so much easier to talk to someone when you can wade through miles of bullshit before getting to the real point?
Monday, November 23, 2009
I was bored. And procrastinating from study; so I started to read through my old texts. The thing is, I got a new phone just after the break up. I just relived the lead up to it, from the point of view of the texts I sent. I am an idiot. I messed up badly, and then I realised that I miss it. I miss the crazy shit, I miss being there for her when she’s down. I miss that feeling of being able to help. I miss the adventure, the suspense, never knowing whether it would be a good day or a bad. And I hate myself for it. It feels wrong, that after so long she is still there, a tattoo on my heart never to be gone. It feels wrong that I enjoyed the hard. But maybe that’s the key, that’s what it’s all about. Finding someone who challenges you, allow you to push yourself to new limits. Someone who completes you. But I never allow for that to happen, I fall in love with my ideas, what I picture someone to be. I let down my walls for them but force them into a disguise. And whenever I think about it my brain turns to mush. Maybe I only think about it when my brain is mush. I need to get drunk. I need to get drunk and do something incredibly stupid. Oh, and I found that bookmark you gave me. It still brings a smile to my face.